Yesterday started with a messy house to clean but ended with a yummy Reese's peanut butter egg. I can't even believe they have those out on the 6th of January but this post isn't supposed to be about how the early promotion of holiday candy is contributing to the obesity problem in America. I was already overweight when I walked into the store, and I would have bought chocolate regardless, but there is just something so deliciously tempting about those eggs. I really love them so much more than regular Reese's cups.
I could sing the praises of chocolate all day but I wanted to share some of the truly good stuff, the "what matters most" stuff, and also the other garbage that makes life so excruciating for me sometimes. I am gonna have to type quick though because the kids are out in the living room wrecking as fast as they can!
I haven't saw fit to share much of this pregnancy with the world for many reasons, but I am pretty sure that it was mostly an act of self-preservation. No one likes to be looked at like a freak of nature or have everything in their lives called to question. I thought that having a fifth child would leave me wide open for ridicule and the harsh judgements of those who don't understand how a woman like me thinks. I also had a whole slew of reasons that getting pregnant wasn't exactly the best thing for me at the moment swirling around in my brain. We had just moved to Mt. Pleasant and I had no idea about doctors and hospitals. I had a very young son who would only be seventeen months old when the new baby arrived. We weren't financially ready at all and to top it all off, I had no insurance.
The insurance issue could have been solved easily by going to the Department of Human Services and getting state aid if I had a way to get there which I didn't. Dave works crazy hours and his boss takes the attitude that the schedule can't be bent even for appointments. The DHS is very busy and couldn't schedule around his days off. I couldn't take the van and bring him to work because the van had a faulty transmission and bad tires not to mention Dave is supposed to have a vehicle at work available at all times. Oh, and bringing 2 kids under 3 to any appointment seems pretty frightening to me. I always go the extra mile to make sure they are well entertained and fed so they are less likely to act up but there's no guarantee with a 2 year old and 14 month old.
The worst thing for me about the idea of state insurance was that the fact that a woman whose age 35 and having her fifth child should have insurance in place, otherwise she just looks like she is a.) irresponsible b.) stupid. I really don't think I fit either of those descriptions.
I've been married for 14 years, and I love my husband dearly. Love leads to sex. Sex without contraception leads to pregnancy. I wasn't irresponsible not to use contraception, we just didn't have any time in our schedules to either buy condoms or see a health care professional to get me on the pill. We had used the natural family planning method for years and never had an "oops" but this time passion took over, and we gave no heed to timing even though I suspected and mentioned that I was ovulating that day. A secret part of me thinks that we both needed this fifth child for different reasons.
David left me during my last pregnancy at 35 weeks. It was a traumatic time for me in the most extreme way. The words broken-hearted don't even begin to describe the way I was feeling. I was broken-souled, so much so that I called outreach numbers in the middle of the night and sought help through any means available to me. The pain was so intense that I would cry for hours and pray to God to just let me die. I called family, friends, acquaintances, my OB, my in-laws, and I cried to all of them and begged them to tell me why and to help me fix this or at the very least, teach me how to breathe again, how to eat, how to hope. Through it all there was Noah in my womb and he was kicking and moving and there were my three other children looking up at me and wondering if Mommy would ever be alright again.
So, after we reconciled and put the pieces of our life back together again, a part of me felt cheated about Noah's pregnancy. Joy was tempered with fear, and devotion left me with doubt. I didn't know if he truly loved me anymore, or if he came back because he is a good man and watching any human being suffer the way I did was too much for him. The conception of our fifth child has made many things real again.
I knew that he would never have participated if he wasn't willing to risk a pregnancy, and if he were willing to risk it, then he knew what was at stake. He'd never bring another child into an unstable environment because we both worried so much during the separation about the effects our problems were having on our cherished children. His completion of the act that began the life of our new baby was a huge sign to me. He was saying: I love you for all time and will never leave. My willingness to take the risk was saying: I trust you again.
Sometimes, actions speak volumes when words do nothing but complicate things.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Cleaning and the SAHM
I got up this morning to these messes:
*peanut butter, electric griddle, cordless phone, butter, unopened can of cream of chicken soup, paper towels and a dirty spoon on the island
*one sink full of dirty dishes (the dishwasher was used twice after 6pm)
*dirty pans on the stove
*Olivia's robe in the chair
*10 or so fruit snack wrappers on the desks
*3 blankets and 4 pillows in the living room floor
*mop bucket full of water with mop still in it on the counter
*various kitchen utensils and cookware from the cabinet plus one potato in the floor
*3 jackets and 10+ shoes in the den floor
*cereal on counters
*toys scattered from one end to the other
*game controllers on furniture and end tables
*random articles of clothes in the hall, on the couch, and in the living room floor
*hampers of clean clothes in den that need to be folded.
*numerous books scattered about
How this happened:
The kitchen was caught completely up at one point yesterday and we ate at 5:30 pm, so Olivia was in charge of loading the dishwasher after supper. She decided to do a crummy job and only filled it to half capacity at which point her father told her she'd have to wash the rest by hand. This was a crime in her opinion and after much crying, and fit-throwing she convinced us that she would reload them when they were through. Since we were caught up with bathing babies and various other tasks, we allowed her to have her way which we would regret later on because she threw another fit about doing the dishes the second time around. I could have easily done them and been over it in 20 minutes but the point was teaching her to finish a job completely. It wasn't even a terrible dish night. Like I said everything was caught up prior to dinner. Well, it was about 8:30 pm when she finished loading and her father was going to bed because he had to open the restaurant and I was parked on the couch giving Noah a bottle and catching up on internet stuff in between. She loaded the dishes alright but neglected the pans and other odds and ends. She got away with it too and it ticks me off. I just don't have the energy to fight after 8 pm.
As for the mop bucket, my husband got bathroom duty yesterday and did a great job of mopping it but apparently couldn't be bothered emptying the bucket. I discovered it in the bathroom at about 10pm and moved it out of reach of the kids. I couldn't empty it because the sink was full and I wasn't about to haul it back into the bathroom. Like I said, I am done for after 8.
The kids had pulled out the pots and pans and potato while I cooked dinner because they like to be at my feet and pretend they are helping. That's why we bought them a play kitchen for Christmas which is really just something they like to tear apart and then push the buttons.
The blankets in the living room come from everyone in my family preferring to sleep in the living room rather than their beds. This is a battle I have fought over and over and just can't win.
Clothes, books, shoes, jackets just fall where they land and stay there.
The hampers are out because I got way behind in the laundry when everyone was sick and haven't had a chance to fold it yet. I hate it but it takes me 2 hours every day just to catch up on the stuff that should have been done the night before!
How is this even fair and why does my family think it's ok to leave me a mess like this? I have a cold, am 28 weeks pregnant AND I having a serious foot issue right now. I am just amazed that they would leave me in this situation with two babies to care for all day. I should have been bossier yesterday, I should have done more to prevent this, I should have just done it all myself because from where I sit, it's gonna be a truly grueling day just to break even.
I wish I had a job! No boss would ever expect this much work out of me. I know that I haven't been pulling my weight as much as I should lately and my children and husband go to school and work and try hard to be helpful, so I really try not to be onto them constantly but if they would just complete the tasks they start even if it is only one thing, then it would be so much better for me. *sigh*
I am truly thankful for all that the Lord has given me and to have a home to clean but the practical side of me says: enough already! Time to make another chore list.
*peanut butter, electric griddle, cordless phone, butter, unopened can of cream of chicken soup, paper towels and a dirty spoon on the island
*one sink full of dirty dishes (the dishwasher was used twice after 6pm)
*dirty pans on the stove
*Olivia's robe in the chair
*10 or so fruit snack wrappers on the desks
*3 blankets and 4 pillows in the living room floor
*mop bucket full of water with mop still in it on the counter
*various kitchen utensils and cookware from the cabinet plus one potato in the floor
*3 jackets and 10+ shoes in the den floor
*cereal on counters
*toys scattered from one end to the other
*game controllers on furniture and end tables
*random articles of clothes in the hall, on the couch, and in the living room floor
*hampers of clean clothes in den that need to be folded.
*numerous books scattered about
How this happened:
The kitchen was caught completely up at one point yesterday and we ate at 5:30 pm, so Olivia was in charge of loading the dishwasher after supper. She decided to do a crummy job and only filled it to half capacity at which point her father told her she'd have to wash the rest by hand. This was a crime in her opinion and after much crying, and fit-throwing she convinced us that she would reload them when they were through. Since we were caught up with bathing babies and various other tasks, we allowed her to have her way which we would regret later on because she threw another fit about doing the dishes the second time around. I could have easily done them and been over it in 20 minutes but the point was teaching her to finish a job completely. It wasn't even a terrible dish night. Like I said everything was caught up prior to dinner. Well, it was about 8:30 pm when she finished loading and her father was going to bed because he had to open the restaurant and I was parked on the couch giving Noah a bottle and catching up on internet stuff in between. She loaded the dishes alright but neglected the pans and other odds and ends. She got away with it too and it ticks me off. I just don't have the energy to fight after 8 pm.
As for the mop bucket, my husband got bathroom duty yesterday and did a great job of mopping it but apparently couldn't be bothered emptying the bucket. I discovered it in the bathroom at about 10pm and moved it out of reach of the kids. I couldn't empty it because the sink was full and I wasn't about to haul it back into the bathroom. Like I said, I am done for after 8.
The kids had pulled out the pots and pans and potato while I cooked dinner because they like to be at my feet and pretend they are helping. That's why we bought them a play kitchen for Christmas which is really just something they like to tear apart and then push the buttons.
The blankets in the living room come from everyone in my family preferring to sleep in the living room rather than their beds. This is a battle I have fought over and over and just can't win.
Clothes, books, shoes, jackets just fall where they land and stay there.
The hampers are out because I got way behind in the laundry when everyone was sick and haven't had a chance to fold it yet. I hate it but it takes me 2 hours every day just to catch up on the stuff that should have been done the night before!
How is this even fair and why does my family think it's ok to leave me a mess like this? I have a cold, am 28 weeks pregnant AND I having a serious foot issue right now. I am just amazed that they would leave me in this situation with two babies to care for all day. I should have been bossier yesterday, I should have done more to prevent this, I should have just done it all myself because from where I sit, it's gonna be a truly grueling day just to break even.
I wish I had a job! No boss would ever expect this much work out of me. I know that I haven't been pulling my weight as much as I should lately and my children and husband go to school and work and try hard to be helpful, so I really try not to be onto them constantly but if they would just complete the tasks they start even if it is only one thing, then it would be so much better for me. *sigh*
I am truly thankful for all that the Lord has given me and to have a home to clean but the practical side of me says: enough already! Time to make another chore list.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Almost 28 weeks
Here I am looking very pregnant and also very heavy. The fact is, I am heavier than I have ever been in my life and I am not at all happy about it. We have a membership to the Y that is going unused because of Dave's awful schedule and I rarely ever leave this house. I haven't been out since 2 days before Christmas.
In this picture I am 24 weeks pregnant. We were headed to the Cracker Barrel Christmas party which was seriously lacking in food! I know, right? A restaurant Christmas party with no food. It was sad. Very sad!
Zach found his missing Ipod tonight. He was so excited. It had been gone for weeks. He found it in his room, of course. Maybe now he will believe me when I say: clean your room. You will find it.
I didn't get to do my shopping. Dave didn't want to. He says we'll go tomorrow. I really need some new shoes as I only have one pair that are in any shape to be worn outside and they hurt my feet pretty bad. Right now, I have some sort of weird pain in the top of my right foot. I've had it for days and tonight my foot started feeling squishy. It's weird. Hope it clears up soon.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Parenting Fail
So, I blew up at my 13 year old tonight. We bought him a really nice warm coat from JcPenney when the weather turned cold this fall. I was really proud of the deal I got (half off) and I love that it could be worn 3 different ways, came with a warm hood and is long enough to cover his butt.
Tennessee mornings can be bitterly cold this time of year and I didn't want to think of my beloved boy standing down at the bus stop at 6 am in inadequate outerwear. Truth be told, I also feel guilty for being too much of a loser to drive the kids in on the mornings when the van is available. It wasn't available this morning anyhow though, so I am letting myself off the hook.
Anyhow, for some reason he rarely wears the thing and usually opts for his Old Navy zippered hoodie. It's nowhere near warm enough in my opinion. I also hadn't seen his warm jacket kicking around and so when he came in wearing the hoodie, I got really angry. All kinds of things started running through my mind. Did he lose it? How would we replace it? Why doesn't he like it? How does it look when a child is standing out in sub-freezing weather in a hoodie?
I questioned him depth and his answer was, it wasn't cold and of course my 11 year old daughter had to tell me how freezing it was. That didn't help the situation-at all- because I was picturing my son out there half frozen. It's a long walk just to get to the darn bus stop.
So I went overboard and the tension built and then I exploded and made him go get me the coat. He managed to find it but I was already over my limit as far as what I'd put up with from him and of course, said really stupid things and then the worst happened: I burst into tears!
I am really nuts.
Tennessee mornings can be bitterly cold this time of year and I didn't want to think of my beloved boy standing down at the bus stop at 6 am in inadequate outerwear. Truth be told, I also feel guilty for being too much of a loser to drive the kids in on the mornings when the van is available. It wasn't available this morning anyhow though, so I am letting myself off the hook.
Anyhow, for some reason he rarely wears the thing and usually opts for his Old Navy zippered hoodie. It's nowhere near warm enough in my opinion. I also hadn't seen his warm jacket kicking around and so when he came in wearing the hoodie, I got really angry. All kinds of things started running through my mind. Did he lose it? How would we replace it? Why doesn't he like it? How does it look when a child is standing out in sub-freezing weather in a hoodie?
I questioned him depth and his answer was, it wasn't cold and of course my 11 year old daughter had to tell me how freezing it was. That didn't help the situation-at all- because I was picturing my son out there half frozen. It's a long walk just to get to the darn bus stop.
So I went overboard and the tension built and then I exploded and made him go get me the coat. He managed to find it but I was already over my limit as far as what I'd put up with from him and of course, said really stupid things and then the worst happened: I burst into tears!
I am really nuts.
Yes, we're moving
I'm starting to dread moving again. I am so sick of the internal pep talk I have with myself every single day.
"You'll get to see David more."
Oh Great! I will have a husband to cater to as well as my 4 kids.
"You will get to go to church as a family."
Nice, perhaps the church won't implode as soon as I step foot in it. My older kids are borderline out of control and my younger kids never get out of the house and will most likely throw a fit as soon as they go to the nursery. That'll be fun.
"You'll be closer to the ocean."
Yeah, well we lived 3 hours from the coast for 2 years and still never made it.
I KNOW that these negative thoughts don't do me any favors but I am just so broken inside right now. All of my dreams are gone. They're out there in space somewhere that I can't go. I can't even remember what half of them were. I am just following my husband from place to place trying to keep positive day in and day out for my kids but there is nothing feeding my soul right now. I miss God. I miss my independence. I miss learning new things. I miss seeing and being seen.
So much has happened in such a short span of time. I can't believe I am having a baby in March. I mean, why did I do this to myself. I did do do it to myself. I know perfectly well how to prevent pregnancy. By taking no action, I took a very definitive action.
The countdown begins to my new life in South Carolina. It will be a wing and a prayer to find a house, get kids settled in school, find obstetrical care and get settled before the baby comes. I don't know if I have it in me to do this right now.
The bright spot in my day today: The kids will be home in 15 minutes. David is on day shift and should be home by 5. Dave if off tomorrow, so I should be able to get out of here.
Goals for tomorrow:
shopping
begin organizing for packing
laundry
"You'll get to see David more."
Oh Great! I will have a husband to cater to as well as my 4 kids.
"You will get to go to church as a family."
Nice, perhaps the church won't implode as soon as I step foot in it. My older kids are borderline out of control and my younger kids never get out of the house and will most likely throw a fit as soon as they go to the nursery. That'll be fun.
"You'll be closer to the ocean."
Yeah, well we lived 3 hours from the coast for 2 years and still never made it.
I KNOW that these negative thoughts don't do me any favors but I am just so broken inside right now. All of my dreams are gone. They're out there in space somewhere that I can't go. I can't even remember what half of them were. I am just following my husband from place to place trying to keep positive day in and day out for my kids but there is nothing feeding my soul right now. I miss God. I miss my independence. I miss learning new things. I miss seeing and being seen.
So much has happened in such a short span of time. I can't believe I am having a baby in March. I mean, why did I do this to myself. I did do do it to myself. I know perfectly well how to prevent pregnancy. By taking no action, I took a very definitive action.
The countdown begins to my new life in South Carolina. It will be a wing and a prayer to find a house, get kids settled in school, find obstetrical care and get settled before the baby comes. I don't know if I have it in me to do this right now.
The bright spot in my day today: The kids will be home in 15 minutes. David is on day shift and should be home by 5. Dave if off tomorrow, so I should be able to get out of here.
Goals for tomorrow:
shopping
begin organizing for packing
laundry
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