I'm starting to dread moving again. I am so sick of the internal pep talk I have with myself every single day.
"You'll get to see David more."
Oh Great! I will have a husband to cater to as well as my 4 kids.
"You will get to go to church as a family."
Nice, perhaps the church won't implode as soon as I step foot in it. My older kids are borderline out of control and my younger kids never get out of the house and will most likely throw a fit as soon as they go to the nursery. That'll be fun.
"You'll be closer to the ocean."
Yeah, well we lived 3 hours from the coast for 2 years and still never made it.
I KNOW that these negative thoughts don't do me any favors but I am just so broken inside right now. All of my dreams are gone. They're out there in space somewhere that I can't go. I can't even remember what half of them were. I am just following my husband from place to place trying to keep positive day in and day out for my kids but there is nothing feeding my soul right now. I miss God. I miss my independence. I miss learning new things. I miss seeing and being seen.
So much has happened in such a short span of time. I can't believe I am having a baby in March. I mean, why did I do this to myself. I did do do it to myself. I know perfectly well how to prevent pregnancy. By taking no action, I took a very definitive action.
The countdown begins to my new life in South Carolina. It will be a wing and a prayer to find a house, get kids settled in school, find obstetrical care and get settled before the baby comes. I don't know if I have it in me to do this right now.
The bright spot in my day today: The kids will be home in 15 minutes. David is on day shift and should be home by 5. Dave if off tomorrow, so I should be able to get out of here.
Goals for tomorrow:
shopping
begin organizing for packing
laundry
God loves you Heather, He doesn't see your failures, think about how much you love your children...He loves us much more beyond our imagination. He is always with us, we just have to give him our hearts and realize he just wants a relationship. No other requirements. Just take it one day at a time, realize that you can't undo yesterday. Embrace this child and understand that God has a plan and purpose for him/her. There is a scripture that says "he knits us together in our mother's womb, and knows us BEFORE we were born." You are bringing his creation into this world, just meditate on truth. You are a great mother. We all have bad days, months, and years, just know end the end, the mundane tasks of life will not matter, it's all about love and knowing the love of God.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to comment here. These are things I really need to hear write now. I admit I am the biggest mess of my life, mentally and spiritually right now. I am truly hoping that it's just the pregnancy "blahs" that I get every time and that I'll be feeling normal about 6 weeks after the baby comes or so. You're such an awesome support and a true christian at heart. I consider it such a blessing to know you.
ReplyDeleteI bet you will, the hormone shifts do make things magnified. I am still not completely "myself" at times 8 months later, lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks, I appreciate your kind words.
Each baby really changes a woman just a little bit. There's no going back. That's both a good and bad thing! Ugh.
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