31 weeks

New Phase!

The General Manager of the store my husband works for at the Columbia location gave my husband about 7 days off in total for the months of October, November and December. This means he could not get time off for Noah's birthday, Olivia's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, or doctor's appointments for my pregnancy. I have 2 toddlers and live in a city that we relocated to for the company. I haven't had a chance to meet anyone, use my membership at the gym, join a church or attend school functions. We only have one vehicle and I have been home bound due to restrictions on managers that require them to have a vehicle present at all times. The district manager knew about the schedule but did nothing to intervene because the location was in dire need of my husband's management skill. He was salaried at x amount of hours but was working at least 20 hours overs that each week. 

Things started sliding out of control-- and we desperately needed change. One thing that our separation did for us was teach us to spot the warning signs of family crisis. So when stuff started sliding we had a discussion and decided that we better rethink a few things and that's when we realized that we would never have a normal life as long as he was managing restaurants. We hatched a plan to start a business of our own and so here we are! Of course, his district manager had to remind him that he was on track to make a salary of 100k by the time I deliver at the end of march but still, she could never give us back holidays or birthdays and managers have to work all of them except Christmas Day. They also have to work nights and weekends or whenever they are needed. We just couldn't justify trading family for money in the end. So, we said, screw it and we are heading to live near his dad and do subcontracting for the blind and window treatment industry. After tracking accounts for the last few months we estimate that we would have made about $2000 more income than we do now  and he would have been home every night and weekend. There is just no reason not to do it. 

Well except for the fact that it's a 9 hour move and I am 31 weeks pregnant. I am nervous but excited and so hoping that this will lead to a healthier marriage and family for our children. We're putting our faith in God and good old fashioned hard work. 

We'll be moving out of Tennessee in 2 weeks and heading for South Carolina. I don't know what lies ahead but I know it'll be better than what lies behind. I would trade everything I own for time with my husband. Oh and another wonderful benefit is that I will have time to work on my novel again. He'll be home to help with the kids and I may even take most Saturdays as my own personal work day unless we have an outing planned. 

I'm hopeful and optimistic, emotional and terrified but mostly I am relieved that the burden of raising 5 kids will now be shared instead of on my shoulders alone as it has been for the last couple years. I'm blessed to live in this country where new beginnings are just around the corner if you are brave enough to take the first step. 

Tick Tock

I will be 30 weeks pregnant come next Thursday. I am going into "I'm not gonna make it" phase of pregnancy.

Two nights ago my hips started doing that freaky thing that makes it feel as though you have been horseback riding in your sleep. I literally feel as though my pelvis is coming apart at the joints. I slept with a pillow between my knees last night and it seems to have helped. Of course, sometime after the 6th trip to the bathroom it ended up in the floor. I woke up and realized it was gone, where it was, sighed and bunched up the quilt instead. It was not nearly as comfortable, but I was sweating  anyhow and the quilt was dangerously close to joining the pillow on the carpet below. I was just happy to find a temporary sort of comfort that could possibly help ease me back to sleep when I heard the dreaded noise that is familiar to back roads and wooded hills across the state of Tennessee.

It started as a chorus of high-pitched yelps in the distance that were soon joined by the neighboring dogs as they drew closer. I fought the urge to go to the window and peer into the moonlight on account of the annoying repositioning that would follow when I returned to my bed. Besides, did I really need to see a coyote in the flesh when the Road Runner cartoons did such a wonderful job of illustrating the ugly creatures? Nah. My bed was far too comfy and my bladder was behaving right then. A pregnant woman has to appreciate the simple things in life.

So, while I was laying awake listening to the coyotes holler pitifully outside my window and feeling every tick of the clock, as if time itself was robbing me of tomorrow's sanity that only sleep could bring, I began to think. Thoughts were strung together by thin pieces of consciousness not unlike Christmas lights on the wire that blends into the green of the tree needles. The thoughts came forward to be noticed, an emotion attached itself to the thought and then it twinkled out and was replaced with another equally fleeting musing.

My pregnancies often bring about sleepless nights for me. I love my children and being a mother but I am not a woman who enjoys pregnancy. In fact, I would prefer that a stork bring the baby or perhaps I find a nice cabbage patch to adopt one from. I can say with all truthfulness that all of my pregnancies have had their fair share of difficulty to deal with but this one has been quite the challenge. First, there was the insurance nightmare and now there is a move to deal with and finding another doctor when I get there as well as a hospital to deliver at.

I think it's gonna be a long time before I get a good night's sleep. *sigh*

The Night Before I See You

Sweet Baby Walsh,

     I am so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I will finally get to see your little face, body, hands and feet. I will see your heart beat and the shape of your head. I hope everything is formed and working properly. I know there is no guarantee, but I want only the best for you.

    My heart is heavy because I fear that my delay in seeking prenatal care conveys the message that I don't care about you. I can promise you that is not the case, at all. Things happened that made the simplest things in life super complicated and time passes too quickly even when you wish it would just stop for a few months. We had so much working against us but there is one very important thing working for us: God's love.

     You see, God has had his hand in this from the very begininng and he knew what he was doing when he chose you for us. He wanted us to have you and care for you and we promise to do that no matter what stands in our way. I love you, little baby, and I know Daddy does too because he rubs my belly at some point during almost every single day and gets this goofy grin on his face.

     So, as I walk into the doctor, I will do it with a smile on my face and I won't be afraid of the stares and whispers that may come because my tummy is huge and this is our first appointment. I'm proud to be your mommy and we're gonna be just fine.

Love,
Mommy

Smile, I Say

For those who grieve tonight: The friends I hold dear and the families of the victims in Tuscon. It's my hope that eventually all those in pain can move past their grief and remember the joy in living and the lives of those they have lost without regret and sadness.

Smile, I say

Smile, I say, be glad you live,
Be glad you have so much to give.
Be glad you're young, Be glad you're well,
Be glad you still have stories to tell.

Smile, I say, and look around,
There are still many treasures to be found.
Search for happiness, search for gold,
Search for someone to have and to hold.

Smile, I say, and raise your head,
Do not dwell upon the dead.
Do not sob, do not cry,
Everything living has to die.

~Heather Walsh, May, 1993

Tennessee Snowstorm

The snow that the children had eagerly awaited all weekend didn't begin until after 10:30 Sunday night, January 9, 201l. By that time everyone was sound asleep, including me. I happened to awaken from my nap on the couch at 11:45 to see that we already had this amount of accumulation. I was so excited I didn't fall back to sleep until 1a.m. Snow is exciting for adults too!

Clara, 2, and Olivia, 11, were so excited to get out in the fresh, white powder that I couldn't argue even though they had to wear socks on their hands. Clara wore 2 pairs of pants for extra warmth and 3 shirts plus her little purple jacket. Her nice coat had been left in the van because car seats don't secure properly with bulky clothing underneath. We had forgotten to bring it in after shopping. She was still warm when she came in though, except her poor little hands. I wish I could keep better track of mittens. Bad mommy!

This is one of my favorite snow pictures. It was taken the morning of January 10th. The horses belong to our neighbor Ray LeDeux. He is a wonderful Korean War veteran who is very kind to us all. He provided us with fresh veggies in the summer, venison in the fall, and even gave all the children wonderful Christmas gifts. I am going to make a calendar of all of the horse pictures I have on Snapfish and give it to him before we leave for South Carolina.

This is our driveway, you can kind of see it beside the trees. The truck belongs to our neighbors. There was no point in trying to make it up the hill. There is also a bridge to cross over down in that mess.

The beautiful Tennessee countryside.

My gorgeous daughters!

It takes nerve to lay down in the cold snow and make a snow angel. Olivia has never been short on nerve :)

I wrecked the Chicken!

I watch entirely too much food network and cooking channel. I admit that I love all things having to do with food and I especially enjoy trying to make new things. I am experimenting with different methods, fresh herbs and combinations just about every day that I feel up to it. Last night, I made lemon chicken. Or maybe we should call it Pucker-up chicken. It should have been delicious in theory, but somewhere along the way it went very wrong. We ate it but I think it was just because it smelled so good while cooking and looked amazing.

Heather's Very Bad Recipe for Lemon Chicken

First, preheat the oven to 200 degrees. This is to keep the chicken warm and happy while it's waiting to be thrown into the Sauce of Doom.

Next, waste about an hour prepping your meat, mincing your garlic and onions, zesting and slicing the lemon, and roughly chopping the fresh parsley. While you are doing this, you must dirty 2 knives, 2 cutting boards, your grater, your meat mallet, a dish for the chicken, and small dishes for your ingredients. This makes it look like you are a professional chef who knows what they are doing. The array of dishes looks really cool on your counter with all the ingredients in them.

Make sure you take the time to remove any fat and large veins from your chicken breasts. Then pound them thinly on both sides, salt and pepper and dredge in all purpose flour. brown them carefully on both sides in a little oil in a good sized skillet. I prefer stainless steel for this step because I actually like them to get good and golden and leave little bits behind in the pan. This would usually help make the sauce extra tasty. My chicken looked and smelled fabulous at this point. I was being so careful to keep my temperature from getting to hot and I could tell the chicken pieces were going to be so tender and yummy. My mouth was watering. My family complimented me on the delicious aroma coming from the kitchen. I was rocking the whole cooking thing. Rachel Ray better watch out.

Continue browning the chicken on both sides and removing the pieces to the warm plate in the oven. Don't worry if they aren't cooked all the way. The fabulous sauce will help them finish cooking. When you are all done carefully browning your chicken, remove the pan from the heat to give it time to cool a bit then add in onions and stir well with a wooden spoon to loosen the browned bits, let them cook a minute or two and then add in your garlic. Don't add the garlic too soon or it will burn and ruin your sauce. It's too early to ruin the sauce yet. That step comes later. Patience.

Next add in a bit of white wine and give the pan a really good scraping with your wooden spoon. Inhale the wonderful aroma! Let this reduce and then add about a cup of good quality chicken stock and your parsely. Let this reduce again because you still have that delicious lemon zest and sliced lemons to add in. Those are your secret ingredient and will send this dish from pretty damned yummy straight to gourmet (at least that is the plan). Add in your lemon zest and sliced lemons and wait a few more minutes to add in the chicken. Revel in the beauty of the thickening sauce and wipe the drool from your chin. Pat yourself on the back, it's almost done!

While the chicken gently simmers and takes on the flavor of the sauce while lending it's chickeny goodness to the mixture, take the time to finish up the angel hair pasta and alfredo sauce and sauteed broccoli. Add a pat of butter to your chicken to help the sauce gain more creaminess and body.

Oh and don't forget, a good chef always tastes their dish before they serve it. Slice a tiny piece of chicken and pop it in your mouth and prepare to be...

SURPRISE!

Let the panic set in as you realize that something has gone horribly wrong. The sauce is tangy to the point of almost bitterness. It has richness, it looks wonderful, the smell is intoxicatingly lovely, but there is WAYYYY too much lemon it.

This is the part where you add salt, sugar, pepper, anything to balance it but nothing works. it gets better but never becomes the amazing sauce you thought you were making and since it's late due to your extra effort and attention to detail and because perfection takes time, your family is now gathered around the table, waiting.

So what do you do? You put a smile on your face and serve it as if it's the best thing they will ever taste, then laugh your ass off when they are pucker up and say. "Um...wow, Mom/Dear, this chicken is...different."

Our Fifth

Yesterday started with a messy house to clean but ended with a yummy Reese's peanut butter egg. I can't even believe they have those out on the 6th of January but this post isn't supposed to be about how the early promotion of holiday candy is contributing to the obesity problem in America. I was already overweight when I walked into the store, and I would have bought chocolate regardless, but there is just something so deliciously tempting about those eggs. I really love them so much more than regular Reese's cups.

I could sing the praises of chocolate all day but I wanted to share some of the truly good stuff, the "what matters most" stuff, and also the other garbage that makes life so excruciating for me sometimes. I am gonna have to type quick though because the kids are out in the living room wrecking as fast as they can!

I haven't saw fit to share much of this pregnancy with the world for many reasons, but I am pretty sure that it was mostly an act of self-preservation. No one likes to be looked at like a freak of nature or have everything in their lives called to question. I thought that having a fifth child would leave me wide open for ridicule and the harsh judgements of those who don't understand how a woman like me thinks. I also had a whole slew of reasons that getting pregnant wasn't exactly the best thing for me at the moment swirling around in my brain. We had just moved to Mt. Pleasant and I had no idea about doctors and hospitals. I had a very young son who would only be seventeen months old when the new baby arrived. We weren't financially ready at all and to top it all off, I had no insurance.

The insurance issue could have been solved easily by going to the Department of Human Services and getting state aid if I had a way to get there which I didn't. Dave works crazy hours and his boss takes the attitude that the schedule can't be bent even for appointments. The DHS is very busy and couldn't schedule around his days off. I couldn't take the van and bring him to work because the van had a faulty transmission and bad tires not to mention Dave is supposed to have a vehicle at work available at all times. Oh, and bringing 2 kids under 3 to any appointment seems pretty frightening to me. I always go the extra mile to make sure they are well entertained and fed so they are less likely to act up but there's no guarantee with a 2 year old and 14 month old.

The worst thing for me about the idea of state insurance was that the fact that a woman whose age 35 and having her fifth child should have insurance in place, otherwise she just looks like she is a.) irresponsible b.) stupid. I really don't think I fit either of those descriptions.

I've been married for 14 years, and I love my husband dearly. Love leads to sex. Sex without contraception leads to pregnancy. I wasn't irresponsible not to use contraception, we just didn't have any time in our schedules to either buy condoms or see a health care professional to get me on the pill. We had used the natural family planning method for years and never had an "oops" but this time passion took over, and we gave no heed to timing even though I suspected and mentioned that I was ovulating that day. A secret part of me thinks that we both needed this fifth child for different reasons.

David left me during my last pregnancy at 35 weeks. It was a traumatic time for me in the most extreme way. The words broken-hearted don't even begin to describe the way I was feeling. I was broken-souled, so much so that I called outreach numbers in the middle of the night and sought help through any means available to me. The pain was so intense that I would cry for hours and pray to God to just let me die. I called family, friends, acquaintances, my OB, my in-laws, and I cried to all of them and begged them to tell me why and to help me fix this or at the very least, teach me how to breathe again, how to eat, how to hope. Through it all there was Noah in my womb and he was kicking and moving and there were my three other children looking up at me and wondering if Mommy would ever be alright again.

So, after we reconciled and put the pieces of our life back together again, a part of me felt cheated about Noah's pregnancy. Joy was tempered with fear, and devotion left me with doubt. I didn't know if he truly loved me anymore, or if he came back because he is a good man and watching any human being suffer the way I did was too much for him. The conception of our fifth child has made many things real again.

I knew that he would never have participated if he wasn't willing to risk a pregnancy, and if he were willing to risk it, then he knew what was at stake. He'd never bring another child into an unstable environment because we both worried so much during the separation about the effects our problems were having on our cherished children. His completion of the act that began the life of our new baby was a huge sign to me. He was saying: I love you for all time and will never leave. My willingness to take the risk was saying: I trust you again.

Sometimes, actions speak volumes when words do nothing but complicate things.

Cleaning and the SAHM

I got up this morning to these messes:

*peanut butter, electric griddle, cordless phone, butter, unopened can of cream of chicken soup, paper towels and a dirty spoon on the island
*one sink full of dirty dishes (the dishwasher was used twice after 6pm)
*dirty pans on the stove
*Olivia's robe in the chair
*10 or so fruit snack wrappers on the desks
*3 blankets and 4 pillows in the living room floor
*mop bucket full of water with mop still in it on the counter
*various kitchen utensils and cookware from the cabinet plus one potato in the floor
*3 jackets and 10+ shoes in the den floor
*cereal on counters
*toys scattered from one end to the other
*game controllers on furniture and end tables
*random articles of clothes in the hall, on the couch, and in the living room floor
*hampers of clean clothes in den that need to be folded.
*numerous books scattered about

How this happened:
The kitchen was caught completely up at one point yesterday and we ate at 5:30 pm, so Olivia was in charge of loading the dishwasher after supper. She decided to do a crummy job and only filled it to half capacity at which point her father told her she'd have to wash the rest by hand. This was a crime in her opinion and after much crying, and fit-throwing she convinced us that she would reload them when they were through. Since we were caught up with bathing babies and various other tasks, we allowed her to have her way which we would regret later on because she threw another fit about doing the dishes the second time around. I could have easily done them and been over it in 20 minutes but the point was teaching her to finish a job completely. It wasn't even a terrible dish night. Like I said everything was caught up prior to dinner. Well, it was about 8:30 pm when she finished loading and her father was going to bed because he had to open the restaurant and I was parked on the couch giving Noah a bottle and catching up on internet stuff in between. She loaded the dishes alright but neglected the pans and other odds and ends. She got away with it too and it ticks me off. I just don't have the energy to fight after 8 pm.

As for the mop bucket, my husband got bathroom duty yesterday and did a great job of mopping it but apparently couldn't be bothered emptying the bucket. I discovered it in the bathroom at about 10pm and moved it out of reach of the kids. I couldn't empty it because the sink was full and I wasn't about to haul it back into the bathroom. Like I said, I am done for after 8.

The kids had pulled out the pots and pans and potato while I cooked dinner because they like to be at my feet and pretend they are helping. That's why we bought them a play kitchen for Christmas which is really just something they like to tear apart and then push the buttons.

The blankets in the living room come from everyone in my family preferring to sleep in the living room rather than their beds. This is a battle I have fought over and over and just can't win.

Clothes, books, shoes, jackets just fall where they land and stay there.

The hampers are out because I got way behind in the laundry when everyone was sick and haven't had a chance to fold it yet. I hate it but it takes me 2 hours every day just to catch up on the stuff that should have been done the night before!

How is this even fair and why does my family think it's ok to leave me a mess like this? I have a cold, am 28 weeks pregnant AND I having a serious foot issue right now. I am just amazed that they would leave me in this situation with two babies to care for all day. I should have been bossier yesterday, I should have done more to prevent this, I should have just done it all myself because from where I sit, it's gonna be a truly grueling day just to break even.

I wish I had a job! No boss would ever expect this much work out of me. I know that I haven't been pulling my weight as much as I should lately and my children and husband go to school and work and try hard to be helpful, so I really try not to be onto them constantly but if they would just complete the tasks they start even if it is only one thing, then it would be so much better for me. *sigh*

I am truly thankful for all that the Lord has given me and to have a home to clean but the practical side of me says: enough already! Time to make another chore list.

Almost 28 weeks

Here I am looking very pregnant and also very heavy. The fact is, I am heavier than I have ever been in my life and I am not at all happy about it. We have a membership to the Y that is going unused because of Dave's awful schedule and I rarely ever leave this house. I haven't been out since 2 days before Christmas.

In this picture I am 24 weeks pregnant. We were headed to the Cracker Barrel Christmas party which was seriously lacking in food! I know, right? A restaurant Christmas party with no food. It was sad. Very sad!

Zach found his missing Ipod tonight. He was so excited. It had been gone for weeks. He found it in his room, of course. Maybe now he will believe me when I say: clean your room. You will find it.

I didn't get to do my shopping. Dave didn't want to. He says we'll go tomorrow. I really need some new shoes as I only have one pair that are in any shape to be worn outside and they hurt my feet pretty bad. Right now, I have some sort of weird pain in the top of my right foot. I've had it for days and tonight my foot started feeling squishy. It's weird. Hope it clears up soon.

Parenting Fail

So, I blew up at my 13 year old tonight. We bought him a really nice warm coat from JcPenney when the weather turned cold this fall. I was really proud of the deal I got (half off) and I love that it could be worn 3 different ways, came with a warm hood and is long enough to cover his butt.

Tennessee mornings can be bitterly cold this time of year and I didn't want to think of my beloved boy standing down at the bus stop at 6 am in inadequate outerwear. Truth be told, I also feel guilty for being too much of a loser to drive the kids in on the mornings when the van is available. It wasn't available this morning anyhow though, so I am letting myself off the hook.

Anyhow, for some reason he rarely wears the thing and usually opts for his Old Navy zippered hoodie. It's nowhere near warm enough in my opinion. I also hadn't seen his warm jacket kicking around and so when he came in wearing the hoodie, I got really angry. All kinds of things started running through my mind. Did he lose it? How would we replace it? Why doesn't he like it? How does it look when a child is standing out in sub-freezing weather in a hoodie?

I questioned him depth and his answer was, it wasn't cold and of course my 11 year old daughter had to tell me how freezing it was. That didn't help the situation-at all- because I was picturing my son out there half frozen. It's a long walk just to get to the darn bus stop.

So I went overboard and the tension built and then I exploded and made him go get me the coat. He managed to find it but I was already over my limit as far as what I'd put up with from him and of course, said really stupid things and then the worst happened: I burst into tears!

I am really nuts.

Yes, we're moving

I'm starting to dread moving again. I am so sick of the internal pep talk I have with myself every single day.

"You'll get to see David more."
Oh Great! I will have a husband to cater to as well as my 4 kids.
"You will get to go to church as a family."
Nice, perhaps the church won't implode as soon as I step foot in it. My older kids are borderline out of control and my younger kids never get out of the house and will most likely throw a fit as soon as they go to the nursery. That'll be fun.
"You'll be closer to the ocean."
Yeah, well we lived 3 hours from the coast for 2 years and still never made it.

I KNOW that these negative thoughts don't do me any favors but I am just so broken inside right now. All of my dreams are gone. They're out there in space somewhere that I can't go. I can't even remember what half of them were. I am just following my husband from place to place trying to keep positive day in and day out for my kids but there is nothing feeding my soul right now. I miss God. I miss my independence. I miss learning new things. I miss seeing and being seen.

So much has happened in such a short span of time. I can't believe I am having a baby in March. I mean, why did I do this to myself. I did do do it to myself. I know perfectly well how to prevent pregnancy. By taking no action, I took a very definitive action.

The countdown begins to my new life in South Carolina. It will be a wing and a prayer to find a house, get kids settled in school, find obstetrical care and get settled before the baby comes. I don't know if I have it in me to do this right now.

The bright spot in my day today: The kids will be home in 15 minutes. David is on day shift and should be home by 5. Dave if off tomorrow, so I should be able to get out of here.

Goals for tomorrow:
shopping
begin organizing for packing
laundry